You Would Make a Great Wife!

As I sit at my desk, in my new-to-me freshly purchased home, sun streaming in on this beautiful Autumn day, I find myself perplexed. I received a call earlier today from a call center asking if I'd like to have a short phone discussion with a local realtor to discuss possibly moving my license to their team.  The caller ID said SPAM Call. I knew it was most likely a telemarketer but I took the call.

Anyway....this post has nothing to do with spam calls or real estate for that matter. After I told the caller I am not looking to switch brokerages, I decided to look up the agent's website.  

Here's where the topic changes. 

I'm reading the bio on the agent/team leader. He has a full page dedicated to his 'How I got here' success story. He tells us where he grew up and how he was working for a Fortune 100 company before deciding to make a change. 

As the life story drones on, he goes into more personal discussion and states... (and I kinda gagged)

"I met Melissa (not her real name) and knew she'd be an excellent wife and business partner."

BLLEEECHHH!!!!!

This is where the reading stopped, the phone set down, my stomach curdled and my fingers hopped on here. 

First...a disclaimer! I know not all men are this way.

Back to misogyny... 

Has my singleness suddenly made me super sensitive or aware of this undertone of male superiority? Am I late to the game? Yes I know about the male ego...but damn! Are they really so oblivious to how they frame things? I'm guessing this guy loves his wife and they are a great team, but does he get how this sounds? 

"I, the successful male, looked over the earth and, to my delight, I found a lovely and suitable woman that will meet my very specific qualifications."

Yuck. Am I overreacting?

As I type this, I am sitting in front of a dozen beautiful roses in my very favorite shade of pink. These lovely blooms were given to me several days ago by a guy I (was) seeing for just under two weeks. During this two week period, I was inundated with his
bold 'I' statements of 'this is who I am' 'this is what I'm looking for'. I met this man for the first time on a Saturday evening. We went to dinner and then dancing. It was a blast!  He wanted to see me again the next day and I was up for it. As he walked in my door, he immediately announced that he had lots to say after much thought on the 45 minute drive to my home.  

He said, 'I want to tell you three things" 

1. Why I want to date you. 2. Why I like you. 3. What I want. 

That was the beginning of the end. He had his mental checklist out and was looking at me and qualifying me.  We were no longer two individuals. He was curating a future and pondering how I fit into it. He referred to his physical needs and how great he is in bed.
He may be a dream boat for many women! But all I kept hearing and continue to hear around me is this narrative of how I should feel 'lucky to meet so many of [his needs]' as if I am subject to qualifying.  

Many women my age have ingrained in our minds that meeting a man's checklist is the golden ticket. And...in his defense, he's been taught that he needs to play a certain role as well. Be the big strong provider, be a protector, find a good woman that will make you proud to have her by your side. 

But the man (real estate agent) that triggered this rant is not my age. He's much younger. I'd say at least 15-20 years. That's disturbing to me. I don't have a problem with men being protectors or providers, and I don't mind feeling protected and I'm totally fine if he wants to pay the bills! Chivalry is great. I'm okay with my femininity and gender differences as long as I am a 100% contributor to the decisions being made. We are a 'WE'!  What I'm not okay with is the idea that women are still...in this day and age...being sized up and qualified for a role that is often viewed as being 'chosen'.  Relationships are partnerships. Regardless of the role within the relationship, we are equals. Stay at home mom or CEO, our worth is not determined by another and especially by a potential mate. Partners should be chosen for compatibility, shared values, shared interests, and the magic that only those two can create. 

We see it in movies...Oh she'd make a great wife or parents coaxing their daughters to look and behave a certain way to garner the prized bachelor. We never see this in reverse. 

The man mentioned two paragraphs ago is not a bad guy. He's just stuck in a time warp and he believes in it with his whole heart. He's kind, handsome, and well meaning but his lack of awareness is allowing his to run the show. 

We shared some kisses and hugs and lots of eye gazes, yet he complained that I wasn't giving him the reaction he needed.  "I've never had any woman respond to me like this!" As he sort of throws his hands up, "You don't say the things I'm used to hearing."  HA! There it is...His ego wasn't getting any love. I still have no idea what he needed or wanted. To me, a relationship that was less than 72 hours old might need a little time to bloom...call me crazy!! 

Men like to call women complicated. Nah. We are simple. Straight forward. Don't touch me like that. Don't say that to me. Clean up your mess. Is that complicated?  No. Not one little bit. It's crystal clear. But it is so clear that it hurts! Men like nuance. They like blurry edges. This is how some men get into trouble. We say 'No." Clear? Yes. But their selective hearing gives their ego permission to hear/see what they want. 

We get complicated when we stop being true to ourselves and start trying to be some other version of ourselves.  We aren't decisive, direct, or honest.  Trust me, we actually know exactly what we want. 

Every woman wants what she wants and she knows what it is.  And he does too. It's just that he isn't the sole judge. You both are making the choices and the decisions.

Pay attention to the language. Listen to the narrative. No one gets to 'sum you up' or qualify you. You are a beautiful creation standing all on your own. No need to fawn in his gaze as he warmly tells you how you meet his list of needs. 

No. Snap out of it! 

You do not need approval from anyone to affirm your worth or value in this life. 

xoxo

Christie

Bits of Wonder

I sit here from my bedroom... watching restfully as silent snow falls delicately onto pine branches. I wonder how long before they give way to the seemingly weightless snow.  

It’s January 1, 2021. 

All around the world, we’ve suffered a long and arduous year of uncertainty. 

What can we take from it into the coming year?

What have we learned? Gained? Lost?

For me, it's been a lot of change, unrest, a bit of chaos, and moments of sadness. 

I moved, my kids moved, I moved again. I changed the way I live, where I live, and I chose all of it. I learned that I may gather help from others at times, but in the end, I have me.  My mind, my body, and my spirit are ultimately what I must rely on.  All of these bits of wonder reside within me, now, before, and forevermore. 

Everything we need lives within us.

It’s always been there and always will be.  

We must trust our mind, body, and our intuitive understanding of what we know to be true.  There is a difference between the voice rattling around in our head and the innate voice. One belongs to the ego and one belongs to our spirit.  Quieting fear is to quiet the ego. 

Our bodies are merely vessels that carry our being, our consciousness. We can actually step out of our ego...our fear, our want, our anxiety and take back our ability to fully navigate this powerful ship we reside in. 

Does this sound too esoteric? Too 'woo woo'? 

There is this notion that we are controlling the world around us, but if we really look, we will see that all things outside of our bodies are going to happen regardless of how we 'feel' about it. We can study the weather and wish it to be warm, but it will be what it is and we will adapt. 

I learned that I truly had no control of anything when my 9-day old son passed away.  I had to just sit there and let it happen. I had to let the agony pass through me and overcome me.  There was no other option. My mind wanted to 'fix' it...bring him back, stop the crushing pain of loss. I began experiencing anxiety attacks that were debilitating. Nothing could pull me out of it.  I was given medication, therapy, I slept, I quit living. Finally, I looked at my other children and realized I had to get up. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but I stepped away from the physical affliction my body was experiencing and took control of my conscious mind and willed myself to get up, get moving, get a job. Live. 

There is no place closer to God than walking in elevated consciousness. NONE. Many discuss the existence of God and toil over the way to prove the existence of this divine entity.  Unless one is willing to take this walk into the divine, the triviality of daily life will be ever present. 

Love is at its best here. Its tangible. When stepping into this light, we can see each human being for the precious and fragile soul they truly are. Judgement ceases.  Believing that we have any conception of how God sees us is small minded and belittling of such a being.  The benevolence that comes from God, this magnificent and sacred being, is a light we cannot fathom. But even so, we can experience the lightness of this love. 

This light is at the center of our spirit.  My beliefs may be unpopular among my Christian friends, but I believe that there is no God simple enough to be confined to our understanding.  Whether it's the Bible or Quran or the Torah, these tools are here to bridge a gap. The gap between the simple and the complex.  If we are taught that Jesus came to earth to save us from our sins, are we not believing in a super power greater than our own? Yet in our simple minds, we limit the extension and expansion of this power to a mere book. Seems counterintuitive. 

Because it isn't true. It isn't. 

Let no one influence you away from the intuitive knowledge of who you are, whom you desire to be and the past you wish to leave behind.  

Inhale the reality that the last breath you exhaled is forever gone and with each new breath you can begin again. 

And again...and again.   

You are not permanent. 

You are not stone. 

You are soft, pliable, ever changing, evolving, learning, growing. 

You are here. Now. 

No matter the mistakes nor the triumphs of yesterday, the path before you is not made. Untouched and undisturbed, the ground awaits your first gentle step into the works you desire to manifest. 

Today is another day, it was once tomorrow and will soon become yesterday...

You, my love, cannot capture the air, the moment, nor the choice that has expired and left this moment. You can, however, decide where, when, and how, you will your next adventure to transpire. 

What a magical gift to know that what lies before you has yet to be determined! 

You may take a giant leap into deep snow unlike the careful small steps you normally take or sip tea you’ve never tasted... 

You might consider a new career leaving the expectations of others behind. 

You may simply try your coffee without cream or sugar to challenge your palate only to find enjoyment in the bold flavor. 

Consider confronting an old memory to sort out an old misunderstanding. 

Simply said, point your feet in a new direction to disrupt an old belief and start to explore the ‘you’ you’ve yet to meet. 

all my love,

cm